


Even I can have a soul mate?

by Death_And_Spring



Category: Dear Evan Hansen, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Depression, Drug Use, Evan Hansen Deserves Happiness, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy Soulmates, Eventual Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Being an Asshole, Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Is a Bad Parent, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Soulmates, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trans Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death_And_Spring/pseuds/Death_And_Spring
Summary: Connor struggles to be himself on a transphobic family, Evan tries to overcome his anxiety and be more open. what happens when at 16 they discover they have a soulmate?--After Evan saves Connor from dying he and his friends will have to figure out what to do next.
Relationships: Alana Beck & Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy & Cynthia Murphy, Connor Murphy & Larry Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Not your daughter

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter is on Connor's perspective, its before they met

“Connie!”  
“Connie wake up!”  
Connor opened his eyes at the sound of his sister’s voice, “What? I wasn’t asleep you were!” he sat up his bed and took his long long hair in one hand, “Let me just get a bra” Zoe rolled up her eyes as she made her way out of Connor’s bedroom.  
He sat there a moment, looking at his bright purple walls, the one in front of him full with stupid post-its with drawings or memes or just crappy handwriting from his sister. With a sigh he got out of bed and to his closet to get out a bra before going out, Zoe and he had always snook out of their home at 3 am to go to Taco Bell or Wendy’s still on their nightwear, but since his breasts had started growing he just felt wrong, sure thing it was only because he wasn’t comfortable yet, it would pass and he would love his boobs like all the other girls, right?  
As he put the bra on he flinched when he realized that it was too tight, maybe he had grown another cup.., tears came to his eyes as he wept them away in denial, it was a good thing, big breasts are always a good thing for a girl… right?  
As both siblings got to the back door running to see which of the two arrived first they were laughing and hushing each other up as they went outside.  
“Don’t you have a test tomorrow?” Zoe just shrugged like it wasn’t important, “Hey, it should matter to you, you are in high school, then comes college and you’ve got to have good notes ya know?” Connor punched his sister in the shoulder and she returned the punch immediately, “You are the one to say! You have an A in fucking everything!” they both laughed a little till they got to Wendy’s at the end.  
“Welcome young ladies, What would it be?” Connor flinched a little at the word ladies but he let it pass by, as they ordered their ridiculous amount of food for the night.  
They both sat at the park right in front with their food as they had a little conversation until Zoe choused a weird topic “Hey! you are almost sixteen, what will you do for your sweet sixteen uh? Maybe a party? A huge dress? A car? It’s the date you meet your soulmate right?”  
Connor kept quiet, something about all that felt wrong, something he had been trying to deny and hide, “I don’t know” he answered, at last, letting his sister braid his hair as she talked to him about some gossip at school.

Then everything changed.

It started at Halloween, as always their customs were matched, something their mom had started and they had kept, it was Connor idea to go as Harley and the Joker, at first Zoe wasn’t sure about seeing her “Sister” dressed up as a man because that was kind of wrong in her own words, and their parents didn’t want either, at last Connor showed up already with the costumes and they couldn’t say no, it was just one night right?  
He made his best that Halloween, he was so excited he went to the salon and chopped his hair off to a kind of manly still androgynous haircut, his family was mortified, saying it was too short, that he looked like a fool and that he had taken it too far just for a costume, but it wasn’t just the custom, it was far more than that.  
He used bandages to hide his breasts as tight as he could and even though it hurt he couldn’t stop smiling by seeing them gone, he even used packing to make it even more real, and as he came down the stairs all dressed up there was a tense silence when his family saw him.  
Zoe was the first one to stand up “You look, awesome sis, let’s go”  
Being outside looking like a boy made him feel something warm inside, something right, and as the people started to talk to him as a “he” because they couldn’t see past the clothes he just knew this was right, this was what he wanted, what he needed, Zoe just kept correcting people about his pronouns saying the word Sister a LOT.  
“What's up with you?!” she asked him as she pulled him apart from the crowd “You are letting them talk to you as if you were a dude, that’s wrong Connie, that’s weird”  
They went home early and they both went to sleep, Zoe just letting it swing by like it was some sort of Halloween craziness her sister had experienced, but at the bedroom down the hall was a boy curled up in his bed crying himself to sleep.

Nothing was the same after that.

Telling your parents that you are not a girl, that you are a boy, a man, is a conversation most people don’t have to have, but anyway Connor breathed in slowly making his way to the living room where his parents were, He was a wonderful “daughter”, they loved him like that, they should love him the same now.. right?  
“Mom,...Dad, I…, I have something to tell you” they both looked at him “Well of course princess, what is it about” his mother made a gesture for him to sit down beside her but he didn’t “Mom,...Dad, I’m… I think I’m Trans” the room fell quiet like a graveyard, “Trans? like..transliterating .. right?” his dad hadn’t even opened his mouth, it was his mom who was asking, “No..No mom” her face was filled with horror.  
“You know there’s no such thing as transgender people right Daughter?” it was the first time his father opened up his mouth, what he said punching Connor right on the guts, “Those are just confused people looking for attention, you are NOT like them, you are our daughter, now get out of here and forget this conversation”  
Connor didn’t move, feeling the tears come up to his eyes “No” was all he said Larry looked at him surprised “No? What do you mean No?” Connor looked up at him “I’m not your Daughter!” his mother gasped at that “Connie don’t say that, you are our little girl, period” Now Connor was looking at his mom, the woman who was supposed to love him no matter what “Now go, listen to your father, you are confused”  
“I’m not confused! I’m telling you the truth, I’m not a girl, I’m a boy!” Larry got up and walked towards him “Now Shut your mouth! You are just talking shit!”  
“No I’m Not!” tears started to fell down his cheeks “This is because of that stupid costume right? It got you all confused princess, it’s going to be okay” his mom was heading towards him “I’m not your fucking princess mom!”  
“DON’T TALK TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT” the shouting had started “YOU INSOLENT KID, YOU ARE A GIRL, A WOMAN” Connor shook his head “IM NOT!”  
“DON’T YOU DARE RAISE YOUR VOICE at ME” Larry came even closer and Connor took a step back in fear before looking him in the eye “I'M NOT YOUR STUPID DAUGHTER, I'M NOT YOUR PRINCESS NOT YOUR LITTLE GIRL, I’M A MAN, I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN, THAT BOTH OF YOU ARE SO STUPID AND ACT LIKE ASSHOLES BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT IT IS NOT MY PROBLEM!” a slap made him fall to the ground, his cheek burning as he raised his head to look at his father.. no.. at Larry who had just hurt him for the first time in all of his life.  
That’s when the front door opened and his sister’s voice entered the house, “I’m home” Connor didn’t want to see the disgust and hate in his sister's face too, so he ran up the stairs to lock himself in his room with his father running right behind screaming.

At the end Zoe couldn’t understand either, “This is a joke right?” had been the first thing that came out of her mouth making Connor feel the tears “No Zoe, it isn’t a joke, I’m trans, I’m a man” there was silence and then Zoe laughed before looking into his brother’s eyes and see how serious it was “No way, that’s impossible Connie, you are my sister, I mean we’ve bathed together when we were little! You always liked nail polish and skirts! you are not a man Connie, quit it, it is just to piss our parents off isn’t it?”, Connor was shaking as he spoke “Get out of my room” Zoe got closer as if she hadn’t heard right “What?” Connor looked at her straight to the eyes “GET OUT OF MY FUCKING ROOM” pushing her and slamming the door the instant his sister was out, letting the tears fall.

Then it was the wedding of their mom’s friend and it started all over again after a bit of quiet war, “Put on your dress Connie and wear makeup, you look awful” Larry sed as he threw a dress at him, “I’m not using this” he answered and his father turned in anger “I didn’t ask for your opinion, you are wearing it!” Connor got up and threw the dress back to his father “YOU CAN’T FORCE ME” the wrong choice of words as his father came towards him “THE HELL I CAN! YOU ARE PUTTING THIS DRESS ON YOUNG LADY” Connor took a step back “NO” te slap made him turn to the right, the next one made him fall “IF I COME UP HERE AND YOU DON’T HAVE THE DRESS ON YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP TROUBLE”  
He slammed the door and Connor screamed as he got up to his closet and started throwing all of his dresses to the floor in the center of his room, taking out a bandage and wrapping it around his chest so there was nothing left, black jeans and a white plain shirt for the wedding, he fell to his knees in front of the pile of dresses with his lighter in hand, and he saw them burn, a bright high fire that killed all that stupid fabric, now Larry could never force him on wearing them as they no longer existed. He almost burned the house down as his parents said but it wasn’t that bad, I mean.. nobody died right?  
When the fire was off and they returned to the house his father took him by the arm forcing him to the kitchen where he grabbed a pair of scissors heading them towards Connor “No! What the fuck are you doing!” His father took the scissors and started to cut his shirt off “SHOWING YOU THE TRUTH!” he cut off the bandages like they were nothing, but for Connor it was as he had just stabbed him, as he lied on his knees, in the floor, covering his huge breasts under his arms as he sobbed shivering he knew that he was not a part of that family anymore. Because not his mother nor Zoe had spoken up for him, they just kept looking at him as a freak. Doing nothing.

The post-its were the next victim, his mother’s words screaming in his head “You are not a boy, I mean darling, look at your room, it’s a princess bedroom”, He never had trouble with the post-its or the purple walls, he liked them in a way, but now he hated them, it made him sick just to look at them, that day he was home alone because he had skipped class and as he stormed into his room he couldn't take it anymore, he had a bottle of Chinese ink for his drawings just sitting on his desk waiting for the inspiration that would never come, once Connor’s hand was around it and throwing it into the wall, smashing it, breaking it and painting all the post-its black, the wall black, but it wasn’t enough, the purple was still there, he needed to get rid of it, rid of it all. The pool of wet paint at his feet felt like a relief as everything on the walls was black, he hadn’t even moved the furniture to paint so it was bits of black too, when his parents came there wasn’t even a fight as Larry just said it was for attention and now He had to live with his black walls.

It was on Thanksgiving he tried for the first time smoking pot, his parents and sister had gone to this important and huge party in which he obviously was invited but Larry and he knew it would never happen, he barely even talked to his parents now, much less his sister, it was like living with strangers, even though his mom still tried.  
He was on the park with a huge garbage bag at his side full of stuff he brought from home and in front of him a metal trash can he had stolen in his way here, He was completely alone, as it was dark and dark parks are dangerous, honestly, he couldn’t care less if someone just came and killed him, he would even thank him.  
The first time the smoke came to his lungs he coughs a little before doing it again, the dude he had brought it from sed that one joint could last a beginner for a week, but he was down for everything, it wasn’t what he expected, at first he could feel this kind of anxiety not getting into paranoia, it was like… like he could see things but couldn’t associate them to himself, like that park he knew by heart now just felt off, then he had this kind of memory loop when he remembered over and over again the moment he had ripped the photos from the wall at his house, the same three seconds over and over again, he thought he was dying so he laid down in the grass to wait it happen, but then came the real effect, what he was told, this relaxing feeling, distant feeling, he got up again with a few tries and then got to the garbage can in which he had thrown newspaper and now a full package of lightened matches to see the shit burn.  
“I’m here today to thank” he started taking out the first photo frame to look at it, a perfect family in it, with a girl he didn’t know anymore, as it hit the bottom he could hear it crash and brake “To thank God almighty!” the photo’s ink bubbled as they got burned “Thank you for NOTHING!” all the photos of that girl, all the ones he could find were burning.  
“Thank you for staying on your ASS AND DO NOTHING” he started laughing “Thanks for the boobs, they are awesome but I think you forgot my huge fucking DICK you ASSHOLE” a dude that was passing by looked at him weird before turning away “Thanks for making me a freak!... No you know you are not fucking REAL, you are just some fucking INVENTION A POUR DICK MADE TO FEEL THAT THE WORLD IS NOT HIS FAULT, WELL SCREW YOU, THIS SHIT IS WHAT WE MADE, I’M MY PROBLEM, I WAS THE ONE THAT THREW EVERYTHING TO SHIT JUST TO BE MYSELF!”  
The next day as Cynthia opened the door she was handed a high Connor by the police, a Connor she thought slept upstairs even though it was 2 pm, there wasn’t even that much of a fight, just the usual screams, and slapping, but when the trash can with all the burned shit got public hell rose on Murphy’s residence.

By December he didn’t felt the nasty beginning of the pot, he had been through it for so long that his body now just skipped to the fun part, He was stunned almost every day, at the beginning just when he was alone, now he was high even in front of his parents, it made him feel.. less, less pain, less sadness, it was turning him numb for a while and he loved it.  
It was Christmas eve alone at home that he let the blood run down his arm from the first time, his first cut, it had been an unexpected too deep cut so it was bleeding but it wasn’t dangerous, he just kept going, over and over his arm to see if it could make him feel, make him feel regret for doing it, … something, but it didn’t, and so he just kept doing it till his other arm was covered as well.  
It had become almost like a late-night routine, to take the blade and create new paintings in his damaged and bruised skin, letting the pain free, feeling it, burning, but not enough, it didn’t hurt enough, it never hurt enough, so he just kept doing it to see if he could feel one day, or maybe he just wanted to see the red come out of his insides.  
He never hid them, and when his mother tried to ask he just pushed her away.

He was so stunned he didn’t realize it was his sixteenth birthday till 5 pm, his parents didn’t even talk to him and it wasn’t like he was hoping for them to, he then looked at his arms to see if there was something different, something written in them, he was supposed to have a soulmate.. right? if it meant to end up like his parents he didn’t want one, and even if he wanted one he would pity the person that had to be with such shit like him.  
But there was nothing, not a single mark or trace, so he left it be, his back was killing him from the bandages he used, his chest deep bruised under them, Larry would just let him out without them on, with the proof that he was not what he felt like, but of course that only lasted until he found how to sneak out of the house, or even at school he used way too big hoodies until he could get to a quiet place and hid those atrocities he had, he had gone to that same school all of his life, so everyone kept calling him Connie, calling him a “She”, without caring about the corrections or even the fights, it took him long nights of black eyes and bloody noses to learn how to fight back. And still, they would call him freak, or the dickless lady, that one he could thank Jared for.  
The only kid that seemed too scared to tell what he thought or too shy to even notice was a chubby blond one Connor had never had in class, still, he disappeared by January when the classes started again, word sed he had moved to another place.

It was in end of May or early June of that same year he woke up with some kind of big deep black.. mole? on his arm, it looked almost like ink but it didn’t come off all day so he just assumed it was because he was currently high. But at the middle of math class he felt something really weird, like a… he didn’t know, he thought it was the weed until he looked at his arm, his eyes widened, there was a word in his arm, it sed “Hi?” just like that, an awkward hi.  
He got out of class without caring and got to the back of the school, he needed to get a hint at that exact moment. He had a soulmate,... a younger one it seemed, one its birthday was today, he didn’t answer though, he just kept looking at it, he was sure his soulmate knew he existed, sometimes he drew stuff on his arms to let the ink mix with the little blood of the reopened wounds, but.. he didn’t know shit, at the end of the day the word disappeared and Connor never reached a pen to his skin again.

That December he tried meth to see if it did something, it did, it made him feel something, though it helped him trigger all the anger he had inside, that’s when he started to shout at Zoe with whom he hadn’t spoken word in months, he used to follow her up to her room and bang on the door for hours, leaving blood in it from his torn knuckles he didn't even feel open.

“You are a freak, a monster!” that’s how it usually started “NO SHIT IDIOT, I'M SURPRISED YOU’RE STILL ALIVE WITH THAT STUPIDITY” “SHUT UP” she would scream as he started to make her way up to her room “RIGHT, RUN, RUN AS YOU RUN FROM EVERYTHING, YOU ARE A COWARD THAT JUST HIDES WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO COME AND SAVE YOU, WELL NEWS TO YOU NO ONE IS GOING TO COME FOR THAT LAME SHITTY DISGUSTING AND REPULSING THING THAT YOU ARE! WHY WOULD SOMEONE WANT YOU WHEN EVEN YOUR PARENTS DIDN’T WANTED YOU, YOU FORCED YOUR WAY INTO THIS FAMILY, YOUR PERFECT FAMILY THAT YOU HATE SO MUCH, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HATE, HOW SELFISH YOU ARE, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING EASY, YOU CAN BE YOU WITHOUT BEING PUNCHED, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BLEED TO SURVIVE!” He would be slamming her door by now, “OPEN UP COWARD” he would say over and over again “I WANT MY SISTER BACK!” she screamed back once “Your sister is dead, I killed her” Connor had sed in his coldest voice before leaving the damaged door.

That was the only time Cinthya really did something and took the meth away from him, this didn’t work out well as he got angrier every day, he couldn’t stop it, he would start to feel this uncontrollable anger, fists tightly closed, sweaty, his head hurting from all the tension, he would scream, even brake things towards his family.

He had thrown a lamp at the other end of the room when the real fight started, “You fucking insolent!” Larry punched him full fist on the jaw not expecting a response as he had one right back, it was the first time his father hit him for real, he couldn’t express how much he enjoyed at least that little bit of interaction with his family, he was having quality time with his father and he could punch him too so what would be better than that?... o and he was high as fuck.  
He could remember his mother screaming for them to stop but neither did, he could feel his lip cut, his eye swollen, but he could also see the bruise that was starting to show on Larry’s face too and that was enough to end on the floor with the sit beaten out of him and still think it was worth it.

Then is when the weird tree thing started to happen, his arms would tingle and when he looked he could see writing appearing on his skin, a readable letter, the weird as fuck was that all that was of trees, hundreds of facts about trees for weeks no stop, at first it drove him mad that all of a sudden mister or mises soulmate decided to get them both full of ink after months of clean skin, but then he decided that if he was gonna have this on his body, better write them down to then burn them in front of the others face.  
He started to enjoy writing down all the weird facts and types of trees his soulmate wrote down, in a way it made him angry that someone could have a so wonderful life that he or she could think of trees only.

He noticed it hadn’t been a soo wonderful idea when out of nothing he corrected some freshmen girls trying to be clever “I don’t see why the big deal with trees, they are all the same, I mean what are there? three species?” she was bragging and Connor opened his mouth before thinking “Earth has more than 60,000 known tree species, so stop talking with your ass and read a little bitch” then he left and didn’t realize what he have done until way later when he was starting to come down so he had gotten out of school to smoke a little to be as high as a kite again, he was mortified about his own knowledge of trees.

“Hey Looks like the dickless here has found her fetish, how is it doing it with a tree uh Connie? Was the branch long enough? A rare case of dendrophilia ladies and gentlemen!” He hated Jared sooo much, he was one to talk shit but when the fighting came he would run as a fucking chihuahua would, and now he was saying something about trees? Why fucking trees? This had to do in some way with his tree obsessed soulmate for sure“Want to come here so I can tell you everything!?” he was threatening Jared, daring him to come closer, “Freak” was the only thing the other said as he walked away.  
When the bell rang he went straight to the male’s bathroom as it should be empty because no one could get a fucking hall pass that fast, he was looking for something tree-like, a branch or.. something, and then he found it, on his left shoulder was a tree, a fucking tree.  
He got a pen out of his hoodie and brought it to his arm to do something he swore he would never do, he wrote on his skin "WHY IS THERE A FUCKING TREE IN MY SHOULDER!?" he just looked at it like you look at a text, waiting for something to happen, and it did "I like trees, it was pretty and it will fade away" There it was, his first conversation with his soulmate "Why did it have to be a Zygophyllum kasashit whatever? it is a weird-ass tree!" he waited washing away his first sentence, it was nice to talk to someone who didn’t know shit about you, "It’s just a rare and poorly understood tree, like me I guess" Now his soulmate was comparing aeself with a tree, .. great!... "wait, did you recognized the tree?!" his excitement was clear even through the ink, his soulmate was a thick one, but… like it was kind of cute in a way "How the hell I’m I not supposed to recognize it if my arm is 24/7 full of tree crap!" there was a brief moment of nothing until the words appeared again "So, You read them? I mean like.., I dunno, You care?" Connor was taken back by that one, but he didn’t answer as he went out to smoke.

"Hey,..um I know it’s been a while but, eh, why is our eye bruised again?" Connor looked at the writing and then to the mirror, he had indeed the eye bruised which he hadn’t even noticed, but how did soulmate know about this, he, of course, had heard stories and you know, that soulmates could read each other mindo.. or that they could feel what the other felt,... there was one where supposedly their eye color changes for the other’s one? but that was supposed to be just bullshit, well it’s not like he talked to a lot of people about soulmates but it just sounded lame, now it seemed that soulmate and he shared…. bruises?  
"Why do you have my bruised eye?" He wrote instead of answering the question, he was alone in the park at like 2 am, so his soulmate was from another country or just a night soul like him, "I uhm I think we share scars, I mean I don't have the eye bruised completely its just that it kind of goes darker though it doesn’t hurt eventhoughstillIhavetocoveritfrommymomandthentherearethearmsandthelegsand Imean are you okay?" Connor just stared at it, it had started normal and then all was written without spaces and quickly like he was nervous but he got a general idea, the last part was the one that got him, a stranger was worried about him when even his parents didn’t care.  
"So you have my scars?" was the only thing he answered looking at his torn up arms full of cuts all over, he knew the same was going on in his legs.. so is soulmate had them too.  
"Yes, I guess that’s the short one" He didn’t write for a while, so his soulmate had in ae's skin all the hate he felt for himself, the beatings at school, the fights with Larry.  
"That’s fucked up man," he wrote down without knowing what else to write, there was nothing for a moment, and he just stared at his arm.  
There was no answer this time.

The days passed with clean arms, and at the end without knowing really why Connor took the pen to his arm, he had been crying in silence at that nasty park out of anger and desperation, and he just… he couldn’t explain it "Hey, you up?" it was lame for him to do it but anyways he waited, yet nothing happened “This is fucking stupid,” he said out loud trying to erase the ink when the tingling happened "SorryI’mupbutIcouldntfindapensonowyouthinkIignoredyouwichIdidn’tbutwhocaresanyway" his lip did something it hadn’t done in years it was so subtle he didn't even notice but it went upwards at seeing his so nervous soulmate "Just had a shitty day, don’t know why I’m even writing this" he was like writing without thinking, without caring, "I had a shitty day too actually, but not as shitty as your’s really, I guess?" So his soulmate’s life wasn’t as perfect as he thought "Wanna hear a joke?"  
it was weird for him to do that but like… they both had shitty days, right?  
"Yeah sure," Connor picked his ultimate favorite from when he was a little boy, "Why did the duck cross the road?", "Why?" Because he didn’t want to be chicken There was nothing after that, but somehow Connor knew it had worked.

And suddenly it was Halloween all over again, still, nothing happened this time, there were no ornaments, no candy, and no costumes, it was any other day, just that, it wasn’t, of course, Connor wasn’t at home, nor at that stupid park, he had gone far far away, to a place he almost forgot, the orchard, it was closed so he had to break in but still.  
Today was his one-year anniversary, one year of being him.  
He looked at the empty field in front of him, so full of lies, where he had played with his inseparable sister there his always will love you mother sang to them there his my little princess dad had smiled at him, just a bunch of liers, they loved what he was supposed to be, not him, never him.  
He just stayed there, drinking and smoking waiting for all to be over, at the end he fell asleep there, not that anyone cared anyway.  
Still, he woke up with a Happy Halloween in his arm.

Then came Thanksgiving, and Christmas, then new year, but it was all the same, just days without meaning, the only thing that made him remember them was the little sentence in his arm he would reply with “you too” every single time.  
He stopped writing to his soulmate about a month ago when suddenly it was a new year, and as he woke up, like every morning he was disappointed he hadn’t died on his sleep.  
He was just so tired, so angry all the time.  
He was a monster and he knew it, it had been one year of tormenting Zoe, shouting and slamming her door, they had been just a few times when he lost control still that didn’t mean anything.

He forgot his birthday but when ends of may or early June came, he remembered his silent soulmate, it was weird for him to remember him like that.  
“You won’t keep doing this!” Cinthya was screaming at her son “Since when do you care!” she had found him crying and now she cared all of a sudden, “Always, you are my daughter!” “I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER MOM, IT’S BEEN A YEAR AND YOU STILL DON’T CARE..” He went silent as he felt a sharp pain go up to his left arm all of a sudden, he narrowed his eyebrows and stormed to his room ignoring his mother crying in the background.  
It wasn’t an unbearable pain, still, it was really annoying, it felt like… like when you are growing up and your bone hurts, exactly like that, he shook his arm but the pain just wouldn’t go away so he just made peace with it and left it be,... maybe it was his soulmate who was hurt… maybe...  
he got up and took a pen and writing on his injured arm "What the fuck, are you okay?" obviously there wasn’t a response, and as he got to his phone he saw something, today was the day he had gotten that awkward hi in what felt like years ago, he took the pen with the left hand and tried his best to write "Happy birthday" the least horrible he could manage.

The first day of senior year was coming and he was not ready to go back there alone.  
Not again.


	2. Grandma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We look a little into Evan's life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is on Evan's point of view, I invented this, its fanfic and I needed it for the rest of the story

He opened his eyes slowly taking his surroundings, blue walls, his desk, everything as normal, it had just been a weird dream...  
“Evan!” his mother’s voice made him stand up immediately and go to the stairs “Yes?” he waited “I have to go but there are leftovers for breakfast!” then there was the door and complete silence after that.   
He made his way to his closet to get changed, really it was like this every day, he had forgotten when he had last breakfast with his mom, with a sigh he came down grabbing his backpack and getting out without eating a thing, he wasn’t that hungry.

Things in school had gone awkward and wild since Connie, one of the Murphy sisters had appeared one day dressed like a man asking everyone to call her.., him.  
He wasn’t too surprised and that was weird because a while back he had had a crush on her, sorry him, but not anymore, still they didn’t seem to care of what she...He wanted, they just kept calling him Connie.

He didn’t say anything though, the only one he could consider his friend was the one ahead of all of it. Jared and he had been friends since forever, still, they had never been close because as Jared likes to say it, they were just Family friends.

It didn’t matter at the end anyway.  
“Evan, I need to talk to you” he looked at his mother “Okay..” she breathed in “Your grandma is sick and we’ll have to go live with her a couple of months, nothing too long or serious, I promise” He just shrugged “Perfect,” he said as he started to walk away, in the end, they left exactly the next Monday, all packed in three or four boxes because things were one of the things they didn’t have.

By Christmas they were already there, his grandma’s house was nice, to be honest, it was warm and quiet, his grandma was really old and needed oxygen all day but the still went all over the one storehouse on her wheelchair.  
He thought it would be something horrible changing towns, but in the end, he liked there, even when his mom wasn’t there he was never alone, his gran would be with him.

The new school wasn’t that bad, well he had no friends and talking to anyone always made him nervous or sweaty, so he just tended to be in the back and bend with the wall, he felt lonely seeing all the others fifteen-year-old chatting or playing, some checking their arms on their birthday, his birthday was coming and he was nervous, what was he supposed to do? There is one person soul bonded to you out there that you are just supposed to love? like.. how will he talk to her, him, whatever, like he could go like “Hey seems you are my soulmateandnowwearesupposedtogetmarriedandhavekidsbutIdontevenknowyouandI’mpanicing” it never ended well in his head, he couldn’t even make friends, how was he supposed to contact the love of his life?

Thinking of it caused him horrible anxiety he sometimes couldn’t control.

But then again there was his gran, “You don’t have to worry so much kid” she had said one day as he read by her side, breaking eye contact with the book to look at her, “I was just like you, you know, I was really shy” that was the first time Evan knew something about her gran apart from being his mother’s mother, “And your grandpa..he was” Evan kind of knew where this was going from all the books he read “He was this outgoing funny kid that laughed and danced like he didn’t care?” his gran laughed causing her to cough “Not at all, he was even shyer than I was” Evan looked at her, that was new, he didn’t know anything from his grandparent, this was like finding a whole new book.

On April next year, his gran gave him a tree book, it was from her and his grandad, she had seen him looking at trees and keeping leaves, so she thought it would be okay in his hands, he could stay in the wild for hours just, looking, observing, there he was alone, no one could bother him.  
That’s when the drawings appeared, all of a sudden his arm felt like weird and when he got rid of the jacket to see what was going a drawing was appearing on his skin, he just stood there looking, only looking, it was beautiful, so detailed to be in the skin, his soulmate was drawing something for him.

He knew he couldn’t answer the drawings till he was sixteen but still he showed every one of them to is gran, to look at the sparkle in her eyes, his mom though didn’t know yet, he hadn’t told her and made his gran promise she wouldn't tell her either, “Why are you so scared of telling your mom? This is a good thing Evan” he couldn’t answer that.

His mother had never met her soulmate, he died before he even turned sixteen, she knew it by the mark that leaves behind, some kind of little circular burn somewhere, she never had writings or drawings on her skin, never felt the weird tingling of the ink, she had fallen in love with his father, a man he didn’t remember quite well, they weren't soulmates but his dad swore that there would be no soulmate that could compare to his mom, they got married after his sixteen where nothing happened, in fact, nothing happened for years, in the end, he left, it turns out his soulmate was ten years younger than him, so he took off leaving him and his mother alone.

Maybe that’s why he couldn’t tell her, maybe because he didn’t want to hurt her, but yet, he felt closer with his gan that he had just met than with his own mother, he didn’t know how to talk to her, he just.. couldn’t, I mean, she was his mom and everything but they couldn’t see each other so much and she felt just so far away and well...

He loved being surrounded by trees, he could talk to them and know they would listen without judging, it’s just... talking to people was never his thing, even now when he went to the grocery store he had to take his gran with him because the last time he went alone he entered in panic when the cashier didn’t have change son he talked to another one but he didn’t have change either, so they told him to wait but the lady behind him was friendly and tried to start a conversation with him and he just flipped.

His gran was with the only one he could really talk, like, have a full-on conversation because she didn’t care about his rambling, that calmed him down as she could understand.

When his mom was home the things were different, Evan could see the joy in his gran’s eyes the moment his mother entered through the door, she was her daughter, after all, they both would chat and smile at each other and his mother would look just so… tired, so... so at home in his gran’s arms, the same he felt in his gran’s as well.

Why could he no longer feel that in his mother’s arms? Did he ever felt it?

But it ended quickly enough.

His gran fell sick, it was just the flu but she had to be taken to the hospital because of her old age and tired lungs, it had been one of the most terrifying things Evan had to go through, he was told after school and he had to stay all alone at home waiting for some news, but there was silence, always silence and it was driving him mad, what if she was dead? what if she was dead and he couldn’t say goodbye because he was just too afraid of hospitals and people? what if she thought that he didn’t care because he wasn’t there? What if she wanted to tell him something? what if she is really gone and he will never have someone who cares about what he has to say. It was hard to breathe, he was shaking too much and tears fell down his cheeks, he tried to talk but he had lost his voice, he was terrified and sure he would die, that all he did was wrong.

In the end, his grandma came back home after a few days and Evan cried when he saw her, “Sorry for not going” he sobbed and she hugged him “Hey, you can’t put anything above your well being, what would we have done with a passed out kid because a hot nurse said hi to him” he laughed and smiled at her, how had he lived so long without even knowing this woman.

It was his sixteenth birthday, and his mom and gran couldn’t be more excited, they had told him to draw something the day before so his soulmate could see it when ae woke up, he had ended just drawing a big ass circle out of panic. He knew it would take a while as he was born in like 1 pm and his mother was already at work when it happened, all of a sudden his arms and legs started to burn, like this awful pain that lasted seconds, but it was enough to make him fell to the floor.  
When the pain was gone he looked mortified at his arms, there were really thin likes all over them, all in red, they were cuts, he ran a finger over them expecting pain that never came, he could touch his arm like before even though you cow could feel the little lines almost as scars yet red.., he took his pants off too and saw in horror how his upper legs were covered too, all full of cuts, but the weirdest is that when the shirt came off his chest was all deep bruised, like something that would probably hurt and he didn’t know how his soulmate even managed to have those as they went all around the front and back like a circle.  
He stood there in silence, trying to process the information, he didn’t have that amount of scars so maybe his soulmate hadn’t even noticed the change, but he could see aes pain, he traced his fingers over the lines slowly, feeling a tear fell down, he was crying for someone he didn’t even meet, but still, he could see himself on those cuts.

Hi? It wasn’t a work of art but he tried to start a conversation, he waited hours for a response until he gave up, why would someone want to talk to him, even the ones he hadn’t met didn’t want to do anything with him.

When his mom came back he just kept changing the subject just for not to talk about his new soulmate, his mom was really excited, but he could see the sadness in her eyes when he told her nothing had happened “Maybe she or he is younger Evan, don’t worry, you’ll see” his gran still didn’t say a word to Heidi about the artist, but she asked him to tell his mom, to trust her, to be close to her.

Not even his gran saw the cuts, but there was a problem when the lip cuts and bruises on his face started to appear if he noticed quickly he would apply makeup, something he was getting really good at, but when they appeared out of thin air he just said that he had fallen in the park watching trees.

The worst part was that his mother didn’t even doubt it, though his gran eyed him suspiciously until one day she spoke “Your soulmate is a clumsy one”   
It had been at a Thursday afternoon when his mother was out, and he had stooped frozen in his steps back from the back door, he looked at her panicking, how did she know?? what did she know?? would she be angry?? she didn’t sound angry but still… “Don’t look at me like that, I’m not gonna eat you” she was trying to break the tension with a joke but he was still as mortified as before, “Come here”  
He took little steps towards her really slowly until he was right next to her she slowly took his arm and that made him jump, she just ignored it and slipped up his long sleeves, her eyes were shiny when she saw the cuts, she looked so sad, “Ae is having a rough time..” she said sadly and Evan had to ask “Ae?” she looked at him in the eye “You really don’t know? I have to have a word with your mom, Ae is a pronoun that we use to refer to another human being that we don’t know or doesn’t have a gender” Evan looked at her, he knew and understood the complexity of gender, he just didn’t know the pronoun. He looked down at his arm when he saw it, one cut turning a brighter red than the other ones, his soulmate was cutting.  
“You have to be patient with ae Evan, it looks ae’s broken…” Evan didn’t sed a word but didn’t took away his arm when his gran left g of it to raise her own sleeve, there between all the blue veins and wrinkled skin he could saw them, little tinny lines, scars, “Now I know how your grandfather’s arm looked like before I met him” there was sadness in her voice “Evan, I’ve always told you that it’s important what you say, that I will hear everything that leaves that sloppy mouth and that everything you are and you say matters, even if I’ve been far most of your life” That was true, his gran was the only one that truly spoke to him, hat listened to every single ramble he muttered, she was the only one that noticed he was even there so he nodded, she smiled “Now it’s your turn to let ae know it too”

She told him to write something to ae, but he couldn’t come up with a thing until one day he ran out of paper and he needed real bad to write down some cool facts he learned and he just wrote it down on his arm, right above the lines, it felt nice in a way, now his soulmate would have tree facts tattooed on his arm.  
The next day he had paper but…, he wrote everything down on his arm, he even drew, crappy drawings but they were useful to identify the trees, and he kind of….. he liked to think that… that every time Ae looked at this awkward writing about trees ae would remember that… that he wasn’t alone? maybe?  
He just wanted Ae to know of his existence, even if ae didn’t reply.

It was his mom’s idea to make fake tattoos out of a youtube video or something, it was weird and all but both of the women in the house looked like they wanted to do it so Evan kept his mouth shut, it was funny and had a LOT of fails in the process, still, Evan didn’t let a single drop fall on his skin, he didn’t know what would happen, then a comment his mother said made him change his mind, “You know, I could tattoo myself and turn my belly button into a fucking monkey’s anus and no one would find out! “ she had said it as a joke about not having a soulmate, but still…. Evan had one and maybe if he turned his belly button into a monkey’s anus his soulmate would contact him…, well not literally, who would turn their belly button into an anus anyway?  
“I want a tattoo” his gran fell silent from her lecture to his mother about tattoos of annual or something and they both looked at him surprised, “Yeah, sure hon, what do you want?” he thought of it, and took his tree notebook and opened in a crappy still recognizable drawing of a tree “Can you draw this?” Heidi looked at the drawing a little with eyeliner in hand before nodding “Where?”... that was an excellent question... “The shoulder… please”   
Now he just had to wait and see how long it would take his soulmate to discover the tree on their shoulder.

He hadn’t to wait very long because the next day, on his first class he felt something weird on his arm, he went still a moment of panic before seeing the words that made him laugh a little, it had worked, "WHY IS THERE A FUCKING TREE IN MY SHOULDER !?" He thought on what to answer and he went for the truth.. or part. "I like trees, it was pretty and it will fade away," His writing was hard to read and still, he felt that it didn’t matter, that the other could read it, and he waited a few seconds before "Why did it have to be a Zygophyllum kasashit whatever? it is a weird-ass tree!" He read it naturally, at least it wasn’t all in capitals anymore, this was his first conversation with his soulmate and it was about trees, "It’s just a rare and poorly understood tree, like me I guess," when he finished he realized just how stupid that had sounded, he was like a tree... so lame and dumb, but then he realized about something and stared at his arm in disbelief, his soulmate had written the name of the tree… well sort of, but still, it was there, did his soulmate liked trees too? his excitement got the best of him and he wrote so fast he dropped all of his books remembering he was supposedly at class, still, all the group looked at him a second and then went back to whatever was happening in front, Evan picked up his stuff and excused himself out of the classroom to run to the boy’s bathroom with pen in hand and he watched his "wait, did you recognized the tree?!" waiting to see, to know "How the hell I’m I not supposed to recognize it if my arm is 24/7 full of tree crap!" It appeared slowly on his skin and he read it a thousand times, so, ae had read all the notes he left, he read them and he cared enough to remember... "So, You read them? I mean like.., I dunno, You care?" he waited about ten minutes just staring at his arm waiting for an answer that never came, he sighed and a bit disappointed for the short conversation. He just washed his arms to the get the ink off and then he slipped his long sleeves back down so no one could see his marcs.

Briefly, after that, the drawing came back.

Once he had this really bad panic attack, he was on the floor, hugging his knees and trying to breathe even though his lungs felt like a hot cheese razor, tears fell down his eyes and he couldn’t talk or think and he was sure he was going to die when he saw it, the lines starting to appear and he focussed in it, on how every line appeared to create something and it slowly made him feel calmer, better, and he was surprised about it, so he washed away his tears with his hand and hugged his arm to his chest trying to thank the other soul at the end of the drawing.

Then things got a little bit weird as he got to realize that his soulmate smoked pot and went high sometimes, of that times he wrote stuff like: “What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?” or “If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?” he never answered them but it made him laugh once in a while, most of them were just funny but there were other that made him think for a while, even once at dinner his mom was trying to make conversation and he asked her out of the blue if fish could get thirsty, she looked him weird and then laugh, but the weirdest one so far was: "If a candle factory burns down, does everyone just stand around and sing "Happy Birthday?" "  
that was even a little disturbing but still had a point.

Then one day he decided to make the move and tell ae about the scars, and the best way he could imagine was bringing up the bruised eye they both had again this week, he couldn’t sleep because his gran was sick and that just couldn’t let him rest, he had to be there for her if anything happened, they were alone till his mother returned from work, so he breathed in and tried it, “Hey,..um I know it’s been a while but, eh, why is our eye bruised again? “ there was nothing and Even even considered that ae could be asleep anyways until his arm tickled, "Why do you have my bruised eye?" it was a simple question but he didn’t know what to write at first so he just wrote whatever got to his head to then realized he had written pure nonsense even he couldn’t read because it was just too little and had no space between words "I uhm I think we share scars, I mean I don't have the eye bruised completely it’s just that it kind of goes darker though it doesn’t hurt eventhoughstillIhavetocoveritfrommymomandthentherearethearmsandthelegsand I mean are you okay?" He was about to erase it when an answer appeared right in front of his eyes "So you have my scars?" He actually felt relieved at the short version and that his soulmate had understood at the first try, he traced his arm with a finger feeling the cuts with a sad smile as he waited for the answer "Yes, I guess that’s the short one" it came right away "That’s fucked up man."

This time it was Evan who didn’t answer.

“Ev, you look so tired hon, go to sleep, your gran will still be here when you wake up” he was sitting on a chair by her grans bed reading her a chapter of a book enciclopedia she had given to him, “I’m fine gran, really” he said but a hand touched his gently lowering the book so he could look at her in the eye, her watery tired eyes “Remember baby, first comes your health, then the others, what will I do with a passed out grown boy!” it was meant to be funny but Evan was just worried and tired, his gran hadn’t gotten out of bed in two weeks now, and she looked paler and weaker every time he saw her, he was not leaving “No gran, I’ll stay” she eyed him with a look he couldn’t recoghnice before she tapped the empty space beside her on the big bed, “Then lets see a movie” he doubts it but in the end he lied down beside his gran as he reproduced the movie Dumbo, Evan was already asleep on the first fifteen minutes and his gran kissed him on the forhead because that trick worked every single time, bless the man that came up with the absurd idea of a flying elephant.

It was a bright Monday morning when the birds sang and the sun shined when Heidi appeared at Evans school to tell him that his gran was gone, she had passed in her sleep, he couldn’t believe it as he had just seen her before school to say goodbye till dinner, it was not possible, that in such a short time… no, no, no, no, no, he pushed his mom and ran to the bathroom where he fell down to his knees sobbing, tears blinding his sight as it was getting hard to breathe, his gran couldn’t be gone, she was the only one that cared of what he sed, the one that noticed that he was still there, a pair of arms surrounded him as his mother hugged him, his little boy, letting him cry on her arms as she was trying to retain the tears that just kept falling down like her mother’s consciousness had.  
Evan was still sobbing in his bed when his arm tingled "Hey you up?" he just stared hard into the words across his skin, was there a way ae could have known, when he realized he hadn’t answered in a while he took his pen and wrote down the first lie he could think of "sorryI’mupbutIcouldntfindapensonowyouthinkIignoredyouwichIdidn’tbutwhocaresanyway" The tears kept coming down his cheeks as he waited "Just had a shitty day, don’t know why I’m even writing this" he just sobbed at the letters, he was having a bad day too, "I had a shitty day too actually, but not as shitty as your’s really, I guess?" he wasn’t going to let all his burdens out to his soulmate, and he just preferred to cry silently on his room than face it, there was nothing for a while until in his arm appeared something he didn’t expect "Wanna hear a joke?", "Yeah sure"e he was confused at first then sad when he realized ae was trying to help him feel better even though he had said that his day hadn’t been that bad "Why did the duck cross the road?", "Why?" Because he didn’t want to be chicken, He truly laughed at that one before hugging his arm close to his chest as he cried his heart out in almost an absolute silence, a way he had learned with experience at not wanting to let people see you cry.

He cried himself to sleep.

After that, he was all alone again, in a silent house with no one who would hear him or notice him.  
He went numb

Days passed, maybe weeks in which he just went to school and back home, he didn’t even go to watch trees anymore, he was lost and broken and he just wanted it all to end.  
Suddenly it was Halloween and his mom was soo excited with costumes and decorations and she dragged him along with it, in the end, she didn’t appear and he was left alone with a dark half decorated house in a stupid costume he wore for the mom that never arrived.  
Happy Halloween he wrote down in hopes for an answer.

Then school ended without him caring and his mom got him a job as a park ranger to learn about trees and forests and stuff and he was just too tired to say no, it helped a little actually, to learn officially about trees and everything but he was surrounded by people until he could get apart and almost run away from all of them, he just couldn’t with all the looking and questions and them trying to be friendly out of obligation and not because they meant it.

So at the end of May or early June he got apart from all of the rest and went to his favorite tree, an old really tall one, one that had seen history pass by, he was crying, or well the tears were falling like a river of salty water as he started to climb, one foot and then the other, and he was up so high, the ground looked so small and the sun shined on his face as the darkness consumed the day, he stood there, sitting on a branch with his wet cheeks saying goodbye, before letting go.

He was on the ground when his eyes opened with the deepest feeling of sadness and desperation from the simple act of opening the eyes instead of keeping them shut forever as he died, then he noticed his arm, it hurt like hell and he couldn’t feel it, there was just pain there, then his right arm tingled and he made his best effort to look at it "Happy Birthday" it said and Evan laughed bitter, sad and hurt, his soulmate was two days late but still, it counts…

Right?


End file.
